I Survived the Weekend…and Lived to Blog About It

Some of you may by now have read last night’s post, Weekend in the Wilderness, and probably thought it to be my most negative so far since I started back at 33andlostinlife in August.  You’re not wrong, because I totally agree with you.  But you know why the negative blogs are so important?  Because they allow me to speak about what I’m going through.  

After such a shitty weekend I feel ready to face the week ahead.  Which is surprising since the last few weeks at work have been some of the most stressful for quite a while.  Today I made it to the train with straight hair and a full face of make-up, bar the lipstick which I’ll add once I finish this blog.  This, while it might not sound like much, is a huge achievement for me, having lately favoured the au naturelle leave-the-house-without-make-up-and-wet-hair-in-order-to-spend-longer-in-bed-look.  I get compliments when I leave my hair as it is (wavy, the result of three perms as a teen) but I feel far from happy with this look and cringe every time I have to look in the mirror.  When my hair is straight and sleek is when I feel comfortable.  With regards to make-up, I always apply it by the time I reach work, although I’m sure this isn’t always appreciated by fellow passengers on the 8:41 to London Victoria.  

So how do I actually feel today?  I’m tired, and didn’t sleep well last night.  The sleep I did get was interrupted by bizarre dreams.  But I feel like I made it.  I survived the weekend and lived to tell the tale.  

As Suicide Prevention Awareness Week draws to a close, I feel this is an important statement to make.  Do not misunderstand me, I had no thoughts at all this weekend of ending my life.  But there have been times in the past when I have thought what is the point of going on.  If this is life then I don’t want to live like this.  There have been times when I could not stand with my toes just over the yellow line here at Platform 6 as I’m doing now, because the idea of throwing myself in front of the next train has been too prominent.  But this is not one of those times.  

I have always had a strength within me, and I know this because if it were not true, I say with certainty that I would not be here now.  But I want to live to see my life happy; to see my passion for writing realised, to have a job I enjoy (if that is not to be a writing job), a home that I love, and a soulmate who will be there in both the good and bad times.  So don’t worry, I plan to be here a while yet.  

My family and friends may find this hard reading and for that I ask your forgiveness.  But the purpose of this blog was always to educate people in what it’s like to live with depression, as well as to provide me with a form of therapy.  Living with depression is not always a happy tale.  But if you don’t like to read about it you are free to leave and I will take no offence.  

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The Twelve-Week Challenge: Day 25

You should probably be aware (and impressed) that this is the second blog I’ve written today.  If you didn’t see Jogga-Blog No 3, then you can read it here https://33andlostinlife.wordpress.com/2013/04/14/jogga-blog-no-3/.

After my jog, I went supermarket shopping with my housemate, stopping off at the hand car wash on the way to clean the car, got home, chatted with another visiting friend and housemates, went in the garden, mowed the lawn, did some gardening and even hoovered downstairs!  I don’t know what’s come over me today.  Maybe it has something to do with that warm, gorgeous sunshine!  Anyway, today I was determined to do lots, and while it’s left me aching in places I didn’t even know I had places, I feel happy that I’ve achieved several things today.

The weekend has gone pretty quickly, and I’m quite excited for Monday’s arrival.  While Monday used to be a day of torture; the return to work after the too-quick weekend, I now can’t wait for Monday, so I hopefully will have news of…a job, that will put an end to my seven-day weekend, and leave me hating Mondays again.  Ok, so maybe I haven’t thought this through…

Anyway, I think 2013 is finally the year I acknowledged that I like gardening.  Since I was 21 I’ve lived independently from my parents (except for the few weeks after I returned from studying abroad, which saw me back at my dad’s…thanks Pops!) and each house I’ve either owned or rented since then has had a garden.  While I’ve begrudgingly gone out to do gardening in the past when the garden starts looking like a jungle, today I was desperate to get out into the greenery and the warmth of the sunshine.  And you know what, I enjoyed it.  I do come from a line of green-fingered sun-worshipers, so it’s hardly surprising.  I guess I’m just surprised that it took me this long to realise that gardening gives me an opportunity to be out in this country’s sometimes (often) evasive sunshine.  Today was really warm, and actually would have been warm enough for sunbathing, but I was determined to get at least some of the garden done.  There’s less than half to go now, so it shouldn’t be too long before I can sunbathe in peace, and enjoy my days before I get sucked back into the working world I suddenly seem to desperate to be part of again.