The Twelve-Week Challenge: Day 38

After yesterday’s blog, it was pointed out to me by several people that today, was in fact, the 1st April, not tomorrow. Therefore I had a whole 24 hours less to make a decision about going to America to work for the summer.

After much soul searching, crying, more soul searching, and a bit more crying, I decided not to pursue the J-1 visa which would allow me to work in the States for the summer. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, and I wasn’t particularly happy about coming to that decision, but I think it’s the best decision for me.

I have been waiting for many years for the opportunity to start the next chapter of my life, and I think that is what finally persuaded me. I want some stability in my life, and that was instrumental in my decision. I shall soon have finished my degree, and will be divorced. I will be free to start a new career, in a new city, and without the constraints of Uni workload and the knowledge of moving away making dating impossible, I will have the time and freedom to start dating again. While I realise that having a man is not everything, a happy, healthy relationship is something I have wanted for a long time and I look forward to getting that warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you meet someone new.

I’ve applied for a couple of jobs this weekend, and found a few more to apply for. I’ve printed some copies of my CV to take with me to London. I’ve done some reading and note taking for my assignment. All in all, I’m feeling positive for the future.

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The Twelve-Week Challenge: Day 39

I feel as though time is ticking away, yet I do not know what will come of that time. Today I realised, that if someone else were in my position, I would undoubtably be telling them to go to America for the summer. I would be telling them they are crazy not to go. So why am I not telling myself that?

I wish I could tell you why. I think deep down, I am scared, scared of what I don’t know. It is ironic, but I am one of these people who hate not knowing what is going to happen, and crave routine, whilst enjoying the spontaneity and excitement that can bring. I think in truth, I am scared of missing out, though of what I do not know. I would rather regret things I have done in life, rather than those I have not, yet I seem scared to put my foot forward and say I’m going. I think because I have never felt like I have belonged anywhere, I worry that I may never belong anywhere, and may be forced to wander this earth searching for what cannot be found.

I have until April 1st, which is Tuesday, to decide whether or not to apply to do Work America for the summer. Maybe tomorrow clarification will appear. For now, I am dubious about my trip to London on Tuesday, and wonder whether I should cut it short. Maybe I’m craving the safety of home, wherever that may be.