For the last two weeks, I’ve been suffering with a cold. It started as a sore throat, became a runny nose, fever, a chesty cough and sore throat once again. I even almost lost my voice…almost, I said, for those of you who would just like me to shut up once in a while.
So I’ve been feeling pretty crappy. Although to start with, and I have to be honest here, I was quite thrilled to be ill. That might sound like a strange confession, but when you suffer with depression, any ‘external’ illness or injury is worn proudly, because, for once, everyone can see that you are suffering. Papercuts, blisters from new shoes, even a broken nail are all enough to get me running for emergency room and begging for sympathy from anyone who will listen. Of course, it does get rather tiresome being ill after a while, and now I just wish my cold would go away.
But I find it is not just my cold that is giving me unwanted symptoms. I have been told by two of my tutors recently that in my uni work, my voice is lost. In an assignment I submitted before Christmas, I got a mark of 69%. Rather surprisingly, since I have blogged before about the fact that no student ever gets a 69, and you can read why here https://33andlostinlife.wordpress.com/2012/07/24/a-happy-blog-for-once-really/. Anyway, I got 69 for that, and combined mark of 69 for a presentation/paper in another module. Somebody is trying to tell me something, and I can’t tell whether it is work harder or have more sex.
Back onto the subject at hand, and my lost voice. As well as the assignment, my dissertation supervisor has scribbled on my most recent draft of my dissertation, “useful refs but rather fragmented style (+ your voice is in danger of getting lost?)”. Am I losing the grip on what I want to say? The feedback is that I am capable of finding great academic references and quotes to use to back up my work, which is what I should be doing as a third year, but my voice is not coming through, and in fact is in danger of being lost.
Recently I have felt like I have lost my own voice. February is a pretty rubbish month for me for various reasons, but lately I have felt lost, confused and unsure of what is real; no wonder my voice is keeping schtum until it works out what it should say.
But the fact is I don’t have time to wait until my voice feels comfortable enough with itself. I have to say what I need to say now. I have 12 weeks remaining until my final piece of work is in and then I am free. In order to complete my degree, I need to shove my voice out of the door so that it can orate my dissertation – gelling together all those academic references that back up what I want to say. In order to move on after my degree, I need my voice to speak up and sell myself, to the employers I so desperately want to work for.
So, with the sun shining through the kitchen window, it’s time to woman up. Suck up the Lemsip, chocolate or whatever else is going to help me voice my voice over the next 12 weeks. Time to get my voice heard.
33andlostinlife 