The Waiting Game

So much unhappiness in the world.  So many unhappy relationships.  It seems like everyone I speak to is unsettled with their boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband, partner.  It is all I can do to convince them to leave. For it is my experience, that once someone is unhappy in their relationship, that can never be changed.  

Perhaps the conversation between us becomes a happy one for a while; normal life takes over and they tell me about what they did at the weekend, they skirt round the underlying issues.  But those issues always come back eventually.  And what can I say to them?  Except leave? 

I had no-one to tell me that.  I didn’t discuss my unhappy marriage with a single person.  Well that’s not true; I kind of did once, when I was drunk, but I denied it after that.  The day I left my husband I stood in my mum’s kitchen while she was on the phone for ten whole minutes before she realised why I was stood in her kitchen, on my own, on a weeknight after work, without my husband.  That’s not her fault, of course, just a a result of the fact that my leaving came as a shock to everyone apart from me.

I wish I could believe in the hope that things can get fixed.  But I can’t.  Because I don’t believe that can ever happen.  

I do know people who have stayed together, long after one of them told me they were on the verge of splitting.  This couple are now married with a child.  And I believe their relationship will hold.  But they are very few and far between.  

As I think about how long I’ve been single, and whether I wish I could be in a relationship again, even the wrong one, just to be with someone, and the thought leaves me cold.  Yes, I would rather be alone.  

Being alone is hard.  But at least I can look in the mirror with a clear conscience, and know the person standing in front of me is the one I want to be with.  

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. milliethom
    Sep 22, 2015 @ 14:01:26

    Loneliness is one of the hardest things to bear for most people. I suppose you’ve had all the advice about getting out and meeting people. That’s easier said than done when you’re feeling depressed. I hope you find a way to make things better.

    Reply

    • 33andlostinlife
      Sep 22, 2015 @ 18:45:11

      Yes it’s hard, and I have to say it’s even more difficult than it was back home, even though there’s more people. Maybe because of that. I’m sure it’ll happen when the time is right…

      Reply

      • milliethom
        Sep 23, 2015 @ 10:04:31

        With no family in London, you do need your friends. I know you socialise with someone from work, so maybe plan a night out here and there, too.If you don’t enjoy that kind of thing join another club/group or two, or take up a course at nightschool. There are so many courses nowadays, so I’m sure you’ll find something to interest you, whether arty or academic. Learn a new language, perhaps? Don’t you already belong to a writing group? I know what you’ll think about this…that the effort of going out after work, when you’re tired, is just too much. But after something to eat and a shower, you might be ready to roll. Now I’m rambling, and I’m sure you’ll find a way to break away from the loneliness in your own way. 🙂

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