Restless in London

I woke up this morning, as I have many times in the last week or so, with a sinking feeling. At least it’s not as bad as it was last Saturday. I woke up in my friends’ flat in Manchester, ready to help pack boxes ready for their move to London, but I could not shake the feeling I woke up with, and this will sound dramatic, but it was the feeling of impending doom. Luckily the move came off without a hitch, and the feeling had disappeared by the following day.

Today all I want to do is call you. To check if you are ok, for you to see how I am. I miss our morning phone calls.

But I guess that was part of the problem. Even though it’s been a long time since we physically shared a bed, you were there most mornings, to cheer me up when I was down, or to just be there to say good morning and share our feelings on the day ahead. But I am a single girl, and I should get used to the fact that from the time I wake up until the time I say “Morning” as I walk in the office, that the only person I will speak to is my cat. I have a housemate but he is never up before I leave for work.

One of the reasons I’m in this pickle is because for all intents and purposes, I made you my surrogate boyfriend. You were the man I turned to for everything. When I won tickets to see Ryan Adams, you were the first person I asked to go with me. You already had other commitments, and of course, I ended up going alone. Maybe that was meant to be. The universe’s way of telling me that I won’t be getting what I want. But the fact is, I should not have made you my first choice. Because I will never be yours. And to quote Walter, Bill Pullman’s character from Sleepless in Seattle, I don’t want to be anybody’s second choice.

So I will resist the urge to ring you. Or Facebook message you. Or text you. Or Whatsapp you. Just know that I am thinking about you, and that I hope you are ok. The cessation of our friendship will not be having the same effect on you as on me, but I know that you will be missing having a friend there, as you too work through your own life problems. I wish I could be there for you, but I can’t. For my own sake, I have to become the strong person you were always telling me I need to be.

I hope one day that we will be friends again. For now, I have no choice but to write about how I feel, because I know that calling won’t do either of us any good.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. 4entertainmentpurposesonly
    Oct 03, 2014 @ 17:56:16

    Hang in there, it will get easier.

    Reply

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