Friday Night Bites

Times like this I wonder how long I can carry on in this situation. It’s Friday night, and I am sobbing into toilet roll in my B&B. There were times when I used to live for the weekend; now I am beginning to dread them. It’s not particularly because of my current homelessness, just a side effect of living in a large city where you don’t know many people.

I think it’s the thought of knowing that I can say goodbye to work colleagues on a Friday night and know that I won’t talk to anyone, except on the phone, until Monday when I arrive back at work.

There is something about having that physical contact, and I’m not talking about touching, just being in the presence of another person who isn’t just serving you coffee or driving your bus.

Long-term readers will know that I have been desperate over the last four and a half years since my marriage split to find a new relationship. My heart aches for someone to spend time with, even if it’s just watching telly together on a Friday night, or going to the supermarket. Someone to help share the burden of life.

Except life’s not supposed to be a burden is it? Life is supposed to be fun, enjoyable. Fulfilling. Life itself is supposed to be a Purpose for Existing.

On Wednesday I started to consider that maybe a move up North might be an option after all. There are rumours of changes at work, and with my second six-month contract due to end in September, I have no idea how these changes may affect the possibility of my contract being extended further. The prospect of having no job, no home and barely any friends here seems to make it pointless struggling on in this city. I have really three friends I socialise with on a regular basis; one, my ex-housemate, the other two guys, the first of which is moving up North himself in a few months and the other who seems to have fallen out with me. I have friends at work, but nobody I socialise with outside of the office, except at work social events. The few people I might socialise with live too far out of London to meet up with.

It’s not like I don’t have friends. I have friends all over the world. I just don’t have the vast social network here in London. When I think about my friends, most of those are ones I met through previous jobs or university. If I can’t make friends to socialise with through work here in London, then how else do I form a circle of friends here?

I feel like I am waffling my way through this blog post. You’ll have to forgive me for that. At least I am no longer crying. I knew that I had to channel the hurt and the tears into somewhere, because falling apart is not going to help. This blog has done that. My mum also rang while I was writing this, so I credit speaking to her a help too.

I hope that soon a path may come clear. It is feeling unsettled that gets me the most. As much as I like to be spontaneous, I hate not knowing what is going to happen, and right now I feel like my whole life is being thrown up in the air on a daily basis.

But most of all, I really hate being alone. Today at work, one of the (gay) guys in my office started singing All By Myself by Eric Carmen, a song mostly associated these days with the film Bridget Jones’ Diary. I’m not going to torture you, or me, with that one, but instead will leave you with a bit of INXS.

INXS – By My Side (1991)

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. SomeKernelsOfTruth
    Jun 21, 2014 @ 02:11:01

    I’m about your age and can relate to that lost feeling a lot of the time, in terms of where I live, my work, etc….it’s weird because when I was a kid, I always thought adults had it all together, and that when I was older I would too. But life doesn’t work that way, and some of us seem more frequently in flux compared to others. When I’m in a moment/phase like yours, I try to console myself with the fact that I at least have more freedom than other, more settled people our age who, due to their life circumstances, have a harder time adapting to change when needed…it doesn’t fully help, but it does a little bit. Not sure that would help you too — if not, though, at least know you’re not alone in terms of what you’re going through. I can relate and I’m wishing you the best and sending positive vibes your way…

    Reply

    • 33andlostinlife
      Jun 30, 2014 @ 19:40:40

      It always helps to know that you’re not alone going through something, which is probably why I like to recount my own experiences to anyone who will listen – or at least those going through a similar situation, because for me it always helps. I seem to have constantly been in a state of flux the last seven years, and while it’s been hard I’ve also had some great times and gained some important knowledge and experience. Thanks for the positive vibes and know that while I’m keeping some I’m also sending some back to you πŸ™‚

      Reply

  2. story teller
    Jun 23, 2014 @ 13:52:43

    Hey!
    I have nominated you for the very inspiring award. Do have a look and please accept the award πŸ™‚ and may I say that you have an amazing blog! Keep writing! πŸ™‚

    http://awanderingstoryteller.wordpress.com/2014/06/23/tada-drum-roll-please/

    Reply

    • 33andlostinlife
      Jun 30, 2014 @ 19:35:06

      Thank you so much for the award! I’m very honoured to accept it *blubs through Oscars-style acceptance speech*. I have two dreams for my writing, one, to write a fiction novel in order to harness my imagination, and the other, to inspire people, especially women, to follow their dreams or escape from an unhappy life. I am pleased to say that it sounds like I am succeeding in the inspirational category and comments like yours remind me I am doing that. Thanks for following and if I promise to keep writing I hope you’ll promise to keep reading πŸ™‚

      Reply

  3. 4entertainmentpurposesonly
    Jun 27, 2014 @ 17:45:37

    Thank you for writing this blog. I just found it by googling thirty something crisis. I can relate to you quite a bit. I’m 33, single, recently broken up with my live in boyfriend. My close friends network slipped away from me in the past couple years and now that I’m living on my own boy do I really feel the yearning for human connection. I battle with in myself in that I should learn to be happy and fulfilled with out leaning on others like I previously had & just accepting what I want is that close companion or Comrad at least to go through life together. I don’t like where I’m at and for the first time in my life as far as I can recall I don’t have my next plan or exciting venture beneath me. I hope it comes back even if it was naive. Again thanks for writing. I hope for you somethings or someones comes along that fills you up. πŸ™‚ chin up

    Reply

  4. 4entertainmentpurposesonly
    Jun 27, 2014 @ 17:49:50

    Thank you for writing this blog. I just found it by googling thirty something crisis. I can relate to you quite a bit. I’m 33, single, recently broken up with my live in boyfriend. My close friends network slipped away from me in the past couple years and now that I’m living on my own boy do I really feel the yearning for human connection. I battle with in myself in that I should learn to be happy and fulfilled with out leaning on others like I previously had & just accepting what I want is that close companion or Comrad at least to go through life together. I don’t like where I’m at and for the first time in my life as far as I can recall I don’t have my next plan or exciting venture beneath me. I hope it comes back even if it was naive. Again thanks for writing. I hope for you somethings or someones comes along that fills you up. πŸ™‚ chin up

    Reply

    • 33andlostinlife
      Jun 30, 2014 @ 19:29:18

      Firstly sorry for the delay in replying to your comment. When I say I know how you feel, I really do because I’ve been through it; in fact still going through it. I hope you can find the knowledge that things happen for a reason and wherever your journey takes you, know that you were not meant to stay in that life. It is easy to lose human connections, but remember that true friends will be there even if you haven’t spoken for weeks or even months or years. Sometimes all it takes is to reach out. But also there’s a whole world of new people out there to meet, and I’m glad you took the chance to say hello πŸ™‚

      Reply

      • 4entertainmentpurposesonly
        Jul 01, 2014 @ 02:08:51

        Thanks for your reply. Yes, I needed the reminder things do happen for a reason, usually the reason surfaces itself just when the need to know slips away.
        I am grateful for your blog and it’s inspiring and helpful to experience our similar feelings together. It certainly takes the edge off and saves a few tears.

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