Twice Upon A Time

“Must I always be miserable? I try so hard to make people reject me. Why? Wow! Am I fucked up.”
– James Dean in a letter from LA to a girlfriend in New York*

I have been in London almost a year now. Since I arrived last May, I’ve had one job, two flats and several dates. I’ve given up anti-depressants and Diet Coke, and I’ve written a lot of blogs. So why do I feel like I’m sinking not swimming?

After the latest disappointment in a string of male- centric disasters, I find myself asking why am I never the one that gets asked out? Why is it that I’ve been single for more than fours years? Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been a nun, far from it. But it really comes down to the fact that there has been nobody serious in my life since that day in February 2010 when I walked out of my marriage.

So yesterday I asked a guy out and he said no, because he had recently split up with his girlfriend and wasn’t ready to start dating again. We got talking, and like me, his 10-year relationship ended several years ago, and he told me that after taking some time out, that he thought he’d met somebody special.

I realised that I have never taken that much-needed time out.

For me my marriage was over long before I walked. I was ready to find that new someone straight away. And for four years, all my efforts have been focused on finding that one person. But to what cost? I finished my degree and moved to London, but I am far from happy in both my job and where I live. I am blogging more than ever now but is it really enough if I want to be able to sit at home (or in Starbucks) all day and get paid to write? The answer is of course no.

If I had a penny for every time someone told me I need to focus on myself over the last four years then I wouldn’t be rich but maybe I’d have enough money for one of those expensive coffees.

This blog is called 33andlostinlife. Because that was my age and status at the time I started it in January 2012. Really nothing has changed except my age. But I am the only person that can do anything to change that.

Once, in a time not so long ago, I was brave. I turned my life upside down because I refused to conform to the unhappiness that confined me. Events like yesterday have proved to me that I still have the confidence to ask for what I want, even if I don’t end up getting it.

This story will have a happy ending. I’m going to make sure of it.

*quote is much thanks to TimeOut magazine, issue 2273, see page 57 for their article on the ultimate American idol!

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