No-Ah Just Don’t Believe It

WARNING: This blog contains spoilers!!!! Not to my life sadly, to the latest Russell Crowe epic, Noah.

So last night I went to the pictures and since my friend had already seen The Grand Budapest Hotel and The Lego Movie, our next choice was Noah. Which seemed like a good idea at the time.

I have to admit I don’t have a particularly good biblical knowledge, which is blindingly obvious after watching this film. What I know about Noah and his ark is limited to the fact that the animals went in two by two, hoorah, hoorah.

We arrived at our seats after the film had already started, so we missed the first few minutes.

After a couple of minutes, we’re greeted onscreen with the arrival of some rock monsters (and I’m not talking about The Rolling Stones). They seemed very out of place in this film to me on first impressions. But then it appeared that they were one of God’s creations, so fair enough. They reminded me of the tree men in Lord of the Rings. I never thought about the bible as a fantasy novel before, but then maybe that is just the Hollywood touch. So they were a bit scary, threatening to kill Noah and his family, but then they all became friends and offered to help Noah build the ark.

The next problem with the film, mainly because we were late, is that after Noah and the rock dudes started building the ark, we fast forward a couple of years, and the next thing we see is Noah’s son and daughter ( Harry Potter’s Emma Watson) making out in the forest. Of course if we’d seen the beginning, we would have realised that Hermione was really only Noah’s adoptive daughter. Which makes it only sort-of incestuous, but then incestuous undertones run throughout this whole film.

Next cinema sin (thanks to the YouTube site Cinema Sins; I anxiously wait to see what score Noah gets) was when Noah’s son, Ham (I’d like to know if that was his name in the bible) goes hunting for a wife and brings her back to the ark. No, he wasn’t dragging her by her hair, it was much more romantic than that, or at least it was until she got her leg caught in a trap and was then left for dead by Noah to be trampled by hundreds of humans rushing for the ark in the same way they must have for the Titanic.

So, after The Floods come, and Noah sets sail on the ark, we already know he has some murderous tendencies. Or at least manslaughterous tendencies. Probably not a good guy to be on a boat with right? As Noah’s pesky wife Jennifer Connolly was about to find out.

Having spoken to Noah’s great-grandad Anthony Hopkins, who has some awesome wizard-like powers, wifey had begged grandpops to give her sons the chance to have their own children. Despite the fact that it could cause a paradox to the space-time continuum, Jenny went ahead and did it anyway. Probably just to piss her hubby off and prove who wears the trousers in the ark.

So gramps heals Hermione and of course the first thing she does instead of continuing her search for the missing brother Ham, is to shag Sham and make babies. Arriving back at the ark half-naked as the storm is about to begin and telling Noah that oops they forgot to go and find Ham has got to be one of the funnier and lighter moments of this horrible movie.

So, with Ham’s poor girl left behind and trampled to death, the ark sets sail. Make-shift pregnancy test proves that Hermione is having a baby, and Noah tells them that if it’s a boy it will die in due course with the rest of mankind and if it’s a girl he will cut her up. Or down, I forget which. Anyway, future grandad has a few issues about being called Grandpa Noah.

Nine months go by on the ark. The animals sleep the whole time (someone call the RSPCA) apart from one unfortunate one that gets eaten by Ray Winstone, who has stowed away until he can get revenge on Noah.

Hermione and Sham plan to take a raft and leave until Noah, who can add arson to his list of criminal convictions, burns it down.

Soon Hermione’s baby is born, and of course it’s a girl. But surprise!! Twin girls!! Noah gets to up his body count to a grisly three women (not to mention the ones he left in the flood) in one movie.

But of course Noah is all mouth and no trousers the big pussy, and can’t kill his two baby granddaughters.

In the end all is good with the new world, and I guess it will be left to the youngest Noah son and possibly Ham if he comes back from his humungous mardy, to make sure the human race continues by having sex with their nieces. I only hope they wait until they are of consenting age.

All in all, Noah left me with a bad taste in my mouth and a sick feeling in my stomach. I have no interest in religion or politics, but I do like movies. Next time I’ll stick to the rom-coms.

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