V Minus 4 Days

David, Jason, Andy, Jason, Chris, Giorgios, Neil, Richard, the Gas Man, Shaun, Mike, David, Anthony, David, Jason, Tim, John, Tony, Andy, Mark, Jamie, Dave, Malcolm, Super Shopper, Ali, Robert, Rich, Paul, P, John.

I am enough.

It is Valentine’s Day on Friday. Why is it that I have always felt like I needed a man? The above list is not exhaustive, but is the men that preoccupied my mind or body (sometimes both) since the age of 11. After re-reading that last sentence, let me clarify: men (or boys at that time) did not occupy my body until a month before my 19th birthday; I was a late developer in that respect.

Maybe that is part of the problem. From the age of 11, when I had my first crush, through almost my entire teenage years, I didn’t have a boyfriend. I didn’t even kiss anybody until a month before my 19th birthday. Let me clarify again: yes I had my first kiss on the same night I lost my virginity.

My virginity hung like a weight around my neck. I was only too glad to get rid of it, although by doing so in what was effect a one-night stand, I guess I always associated sex with love. I had endless one-night stands in the three years between losing my virginity and meeting the man who would become my husband. They are not listed above, because, quite honestly, I cannot remember their names. I used to recite them in order, quite proudly, to impress myself, but I suppose time makes one forget that which bears no importance to the future.

Now I realise that sex does not equal love. Sending a message on POF does not equal love. I do not know what equals love. I know only that I must remember this one thing.

I am enough.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Horror-scope? | 33andlostinlife

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