Woe is me…Bollocks to that

I have been busy.

I have started lots of blogs.

I haven’t got time to write a blog.

I have been too stressed to write.

Life is shit.

Woe is me.

I have had endless dates through internet dating which haven’t gone anywhere.

I had to move to a new flat which was extremely stressful.

I make mistakes at work and my boss has a go at me.

My cat wakes me up at 5am every morning so I have a shit night’s sleep.

I had a friends with benefits with someone who doesn’t have the same feelings for me.

My apartment is really expensive.

I have no money three days after pay day and am sinking in debt.

My depression is getting worse.

On the first of February it was four years since I left my husband and changed my life.

I thought it would be better by now.

Woe is me.

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[Picture Credit: cammocat.deviantart.com]

As you can see I am an expert at self-pity. Languishing in a pit of despair going “oh my life is horrible blah blah blah” can be really comforting, and does go hand in hand with depression. I have always been one to appoint blame elsewhere when possible rather than open the door and let the blame come home.

London is tough. I don’t know why I should be surprised at this. I came to London as a shy 19 year-old and found it hard then, and although in the long run it was a great learning experience for me and finally opened the lid on my contained confidence, being here makes you lonely, especially if you don’t have money/friends/great living environment to fully enjoy it.

I was desperate to escape my home city of Lincoln once I had finished my degree. Before the ink was even dry on my final uni assignment, I had moved myself to London, while I still had the bulk of my last student loan payment to support me while I found a temp job. I was so desperate to escape the pit of despair I felt there, that I had no question of staying in Lincoln. It wasn’t an option for me. I had wanted to escape for so many years (thirty-two and a half to be precise) that I believed that once I could finally make that break, I could finally start living.

Out of the frying pan, into the fire, so they say. It took me longer than I thought to find a job. I had to borrow money to pay my second month’s rent. My temp job only paid £16,000 rather than the £22,000 that the agency promised me. I had to move house again five months later under stressful circumstances which only enflamed my already struggling money situation. Poor money management since then and the need to treat myself otherwise nobody else will (because I’m worth it, jeez thanks L’Oreal) has led me to the financial hole I’m in now. Endless bad dates and the same pattern of clinging to guys even when they’re not interested leaves me feeling lonely, so I just go on more bad dates and cling even more.

While the guy I cling to sadly isn’t the one for me, he has provided me with a lot of support and advice during the last few months. He is the one telling me not to wallow in my self-pity, to make the changes, to budget with my money, to see and appreciate what I do have, rather than yearn for what I don’t. I have realised the last month how much my depression and its tendancies to make me stressed or upset or down affect those around me, such as my housemate. And of course the classic pose that only encourages your problems to snowball is the ostrich. Stick your head in the sand and hope it all goes away.

I have a great apartment which I share with a wonderful housemate.

I have a cat who has been there for me since July 2000.

I have a job which offers opportunities and a boss who is willing to help me take pride in my work.

I am having the opportunity to go on lots of dates.

I have someone who gives me intimacy and life advice while doing his best to ignore my self-wallowy bad points.

I am living in a city where so many others flourish.

So why don’t I??!!! Woe is…BOLLOCKS TO THAT!!!!!!!!

I have the ability to change my life. I have a blueprint for how to do that. It’s time to use it. As I have proved to myself in the past, I am responsible for my own destiny. Time to be positive and seek that destiny.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Charlotte buckell
    Feb 04, 2014 @ 21:26:59

    Don’t let everything get you down. You’re amazing. And you know what they say, nothing worth having comes easily. These struggles are just there to test you, to make you better in certain things and should motivate you to put yourself into the unknown. Jusst say ‘fuck it’ and try it anyway. what have you got to loose? If you put your best into what you do then why worry? What else can you do? Ok I guess you can try harder but that’s just determination to succeed 🙂 you just need to take a step back and get everything together after that it’ll all fall into place. You’ll be happier and you’ll give off loads of confidence, which guys like. Chin up lovely 🙂 I’m only a short train journey away so if you need me I’m here

    Reply

    • 33andlostinlife
      Feb 04, 2014 @ 22:56:35

      Hi Charlotte, Your response, and that of other friends and family has been overwhelming. It moved me to tears. Admittedly that doesn’t take much these days but to know that people have faith in me really helps.

      Reply

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