The Twelve-Week Challenge: Day 22

I’m really struggling to write this post.  Which is ironic because I spent all morning at a Creative Detox Workshop run by my university…

The fact is, I’m going to be on board the National Express tomorrow morning, to London.  After yesterday’s uncertainty, I made the decision to head to the capital to view the flatshare.  While I believe that moving to London in order to find temporary work is the only choice, others don’t agree.

This decision is really weighing hard on me.  When I’m alone, I know exactly what I want to do.  When I’m with others, they raise their worries; the worries that I should perhaps be looking at more clearly.  I’m torn between doing what I want to do, what I believe I should do, and what others believe is right for me.

At the core of this is my worry that I have to stay here.  I have worked so hard to enable me to get to this point in time, where I can finally say goodbye to this place, where I was born 34 years ago, but where I have never felt at home.  The thought that I may have to stay and get a job here scares the hell out of me.

I will go to London tomorrow and view the flat.  I will have to worry about The Bish, who will be very mardy with me for leaving him again.  I’m not sure he knows it’s so that I can find a good place for the two of us to live.  He keeps eyeing me suspiciously, and knows that something is going on.

I think I will just have to face up to the fact that there’s a very difficult time coming up.  People I know won’t agree with what I’m doing, and I will have to go against them in what I believe, and hope that things work out.

In case my readers are wondering – I still have four essays to do, the first due next Tuesday.  Everyone I know keeps reminding me of this.  I know the sensible thing is to get them done.  But right now, I can’t.  Jodie Logic, which makes no sense to anyone else, isn’t allowing me to finish them.  I may have mentioned I’m shit-scared of endings.  And right now I’m super-shit-scared that the life I’ve searched so hard for, for seven years isn’t out there.  I WILL finish my essays.  But it will be in my time.  You can only take my word that they will all be in by May 3rd.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Recruiterpoet - Professionalism With Flare
    Apr 17, 2013 @ 23:22:50

    I not only respect the risk you are taking but completely support it.


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