The Twelve-Week Blog: Day 26

After the excitement of last night’s concert with my favourite singer, Eric Martin, which you can read about in Day 25,, today kind of took a bit of a nose dive.  Originally I had intended to visit a friend, although due to illness this got postponed, and so I was left with the knowledge that I had a full day to do everything I needed to do to prepare for my trip to visit my cousin in Bristol this weekend, as well as get some work done.  So what did I do?  Absolutely nothing.

I realise that I have a problem with endings, and finishing things, hence why I have struggled with the final year of my degree.  For some reason, there are things that I just can’t seem to get finished, and I’m not sure why.  It’s like when you watch a box-set of a DVD, and you’ve watched everything but the final episode, because you don’t want to it to end, and you don’t want to go those months until the new season starts with nothing new to watch.  I usually have endless glasses of drink around the house with a tiny bit left in the bottom.  I can never seem to tidy my room; I start it but I can never finish it, and usually it ends up looking worse than I started.

As well as my problem with finishing things, I think I get thrown off-balance when plans change.  Like today, I just couldn’t seem to settle; and rather than using the now free time to my advantage, I wasted it.

My Life Coach, Jon Richelieu-Booth, called me out on this during our coaching call this afternoon.  Due to the change of plans, I wasn’t on my way home like I would have been had I met my friend.  Instead, another friend had got in contact and I’d gone for a coffee in Starbucks.  When Jon rang me, I had completely forgotten our coaching call, and had to ask him to call me back a short while later.  He has been keeping me accountable for these blogs, and I’m surprised not to have heard from him by now (1:45am), although maybe he’s leaving me be after our call this afternoon, where he nicely, but firmly, told me that I had to stop procrastinating and get my uni work finished, or else I was in danger of risking everything I had worked so hard for.

By the end of the call I was quite upset, compared to the start when I was still on a high from speaking to Eric after the gig.  But all this happy event had done was mask the truth; that I am dangerously close to crashing and burning right now.  I have deadlines fast approaching, and I haven’t spent the time I should have doing the work.  This is guaranteed to result in panic setting in at the overwhelming  thought of having to get the work finished in a short space of time, with a risk factor of possibly impacting hugely by my missing the deadline completely.

I don’t know why I can’t get work done.  Maybe I am scared that if I finish my degree, I have to face the big wide world.  I mean, many young students face this all the time.  The end of university means living in the real world; having a job, paying bills, the other shit that life brings.  But I have lived in this world for many years.  I worked full-time for 16 years of my life.  I have lived independently pretty much since I was 19.  And I have worked so hard to give myself the opportunity of a brand new start.  It’s almost time for me to grasp it.  So why am I holding back?

As Marty, and his dad, George McFly, both said in Back to the Future, “What if they don’t like me?  What if they tell me I’m no good?  I don’t think I could take that kind of a rejection.”  I am scared shitless about not being successful in my second chance at life.  I walked away from my marriage, spent four years at university and that same four years on an up-and-down rollercoaster ride of emotions that have taken me to hell and back.  I need something steady in my life now.  There has been too much uncertainty for too long.  But what happens if I don’t get that?

When I left my husband, many people (women) told me how “brave” I was.  It was hard, walking away from a ten-year relationship with the person who, for the most part, had been my best friend.  “Brave” is not a word you usually associate with women, more like knights of the round table.  But as months went by, and those same friends ended their relationships, I realised that what I had done was to inspire other people to break away from that life in which they were no longer happy, in a bid to find freedom and happiness elsewhere.

Right now I have a Decree Nisi, and in just under six weeks I can apply for the Decree Absolute, which means my divorce will be final.  After three years, the decision that took me years to come to in the first place, will finally be officially supported.  It will signal the end of this chapter, alongside the degree that I started, at a time when the dream I chased of a better life was not just mine.  The last chapter is ready to be told, and I have to face up to the fact that there is a brand new volume waiting to be written.  The pages are crisp and new, unlike this book, which is slightly dog-eared and crumpled, covered in fingerprints and dirt, but in which all the blood, sweat and tears (and trust me, there’s been a lot) are contained, those which have come out of the journey of the past few years.  I see myself closing the book, and rubbing my hand across the leather front cover to remove the traces of dust.  I carry it across to the bookcase, and place it on the shelf, the spine facing me, which reads “The Story of Me. Volume One.”

As I sit myself on the sofa and tuck my legs underneath me, I pick my coffee cup up from the table, and hug the warm vessel with both hands.  I gaze out of the window, at the sun shining into the huge, sunlit room, at the waves crashing on the shore, and I sigh with relief.  Time to start again.



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