You Won’t Be Mine…

Yet again my period has crept up on me.  Today I have had no interest in doing anything.  I haven’t been able to work on any assignments or do anything productive.  All I have done is play Spider Solitaire on my laptop and listen to music.

When I’m in this kind of mood, the music I play will have an effect on me.  I will pick music to match my mood, or to bring it down even further.  Right now, I’m listening to Matchbox Twenty’s You Won’t Be Mine, from their Mad Season album.  It’s a haunting track and like the person who will always haunt my thoughts, tinkers with my heart-strings in a way few songs do: I know soon you will be/Over the lies and you’ll be strong/You’ll be rich in love and you will carry on/But no you won’t be mine

I put a full stop at the end of the word mine, but then deleted it, because it made it seem so final.  I know that this person never was mine and never will be.  Yet I want to scream at God and ask him why, how can he do this to me?  To make me believe I am in love with the same person for 22 years, more than half my life.  Someone I have only spoken to for the first time in the last month.  A cruel joke.

I don’t see how I can ever forget about this person.  At best he gets boxed and placed upon a shelf, out the way.  But like a child’s comfort blanket, I can never let go, and I grip so hard of his memory that it makes my knuckles go white.

I know that my hormones are raging right now, and hopefully in a few days the storm will have calmed.  I have a SAD lamp on order and hopefully that will improve my mood as well as my ability to get on with work.  I can’t fail again at uni.  I MUST graduate next year.  I couldn’t bear not to.  I have to achieve something in my life.  But right now I cannot see how I can get one assignment done, let alone three.

Last night I saw Silver Linings Playbook, the new film with Bradley Cooper as a man diagnosed with bi-polar disorder after finding his wife in the shower with a fellow teacher.  His wife had the decency to play their wedding song, My Cherie Amour by Stevie Wonder, while she was doing the deed, and on release from the mental institution he is admitted to, every time he hears the song it sends him crazy.  I can sympathise.

I’m finally getting tired now and will go to bed once I’ve posted this.  I feel drained, which is pretty normal when I feel this way.  I can only hope that tomorrow is more productive.

I’ll leave you with another song, called Burnin’ In My Mind by Eric Martin.  I was lucky enough to meet Eric at a gig in Italy a few years ago.  In a complete twist of fate, I ended up going to his aftershow party, and then getting a lift with the band back to my hotel, which also turned out to be the band’s hotel!! Before you get excited, Eric is happily married to Denise, and has two beautiful twin boys.  But that night I did get to talk to him about this song and how much I related to it.  Two and a half years later, it still sums up the way I feel, and all I can do is hope that this becomes the best-case scenario – that I can accept the fact that He is just The One That Got Away.  I’m tired of being free/It gets hard every day/Cos in my mind you’ll always be/The one that got away… ❤

 

 

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