Well today’s been a very emotional day.  Like a lot of my days, things that don’t bother most people can end up affecting me in a much deeper way.

Today I had my first taste of rejection since that conversation that took place almost a month ago.  I have once again tried internet dating, and yet again, have been disappointed.

Internet dating is the norm for those looking for a relationship nowadays.  Those of us who are too old to go round town clubbing, or choose not to because it’s just too bloody depressing seeing all those 16 year-olds wearing nothing but belts, which makes us shiver at the thought and wish we were tucked up in bed with a hot chocolate and a Puzzler.  I don’t know how people met before the internet, I’m guessing it was through classified ads in the local newspaper, which I also tried once and the highlight was meeting a guy who owned a fish and chip shop in Cleethorpes.

The problem with internet dating (and the internet in general, really), is that people feel able to communicate more openly through written media than they would if they had to speak to someone face to face.  You start by sending messages through the dating site, then maybe texting, followed by telephone calls, and finally meeting face to face, probably with some saucy messages thrown in.  By which point you feel like you’ve known that person years.  Well that’s how I’ve done it; maybe that is where I’m going wrong.

Because what happens is that you get caught up in the moment, and when you meet, and that little something just isn’t there, it is like being dropped from a great height.  That person liked your picture, liked your messages, but when it came to meeting, there just wasn’t that little something there.

It’s hard to be rejected this way, because it makes you wonder what is wrong with you.  Sometimes I wonder why I continue to internet date, since the first guy I met this way dumped me because he said I had no spark and was boring.  Unfortunately for me, I had only been separated a few months, was extremely vulnerable and begged him to take me back, which he did, only for the same thing to happen three more times.  Eventually I got wise, and dumped him, but only after I’d met somebody else.

I’ve come a long way since this happened two years ago, but I do wonder if I still haven’t found that spark.  Is there something missing from me?  Sometimes I do feel like my personality is being muted.  Am I holding back, scared to let the real me out?  Or worse – is this just the person I truly am?

It’s not just the rejection that has caused tears today.  Upon returning from my date, I received paperwork from the court regarding my divorce, which is now moving forward.  It is long overdue for this to happen, and I was the one who ended it, but becoming total strangers with the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with is hard.

On a positive note, I’ve dejunked some of my bedroom.  Helped by my housemates, we moved a lot of the clutter in my bedroom out of there, taken photos of items that can be sold, moved some things to other places in the house, thrown some in the bin.  My room is still cluttered, but it’s getting there, and like my mind and my heart, the stuff I don’t need is gradually being coaxed out.

One more thing I’d like to discuss in this blog post.  I recently wrote a blog called Assumption: A Family Tree http://wp.me/p2ayN0-6x, where I talked about how assuming things gets me into a lot of trouble.  So I’d like to make a request.  I am able to view statistics for my blog, such as how many people have viewed it, per day, per blog, how they were referred ie Facebook or Twitter.  It also tells me if my blog was viewed following a Google search.  In the last month, my name has been Googled, and in the last five weeks, I have been Googled twenty times in various searches.  I know who I wish in my heart it was, although I realise it is not likely to be that person.  But since it’s driving me crazy, and I have no Poirot here to solve the mystery, all I can do is ask that whoever it is get it touch so I can put my mind at rest.  I promise not to reveal it on here.  It might seem like a crazy thing to ask, but I do like to know that people are reading my blog, so whether it’s somebody I know or not, get in touch and tell me what you think.



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