The Woman Who Started Walking Up A Mountain Then Couldn’t Be Bothered

I hate to keep banging on about my “time of the month” but it really has caused me some problems this time around.  After the excitement of Friday’s jogging, most of Saturday continued to be uplifting until Saturday night, when the self-doubt started creeping in.  Yesterday I woke up fairly positive, spent the morning working on something for my future, but then decided to take a small break at lunchtime.  BIG MISTAKE.

I spent the rest of the day in my bed.  For the first hour, I just did absolutely nothing, I couldn’t bring myself to do a thing.  Eventually I decided to put a film on, which did spur me on a little to do some tidying up.  Sadly, this didn’t last, and after the film finished, I felt even less inclined to do anything.  But it wasn’t just can’t-be-botheredness.  It was complete-inability-to-do-anythingness, mixed in with a lot of I’m-incapable-of-doing-anything-anywayness.

It was late by the time I went to sleep last night, gone 1pm, when I eventually couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.  But I recognise the true feeling – it was one of those I-don’t-want-to-go-to-sleep-because-it’ll-be-tomorrow-when-I-wake-up-feelings – and I just couldn’t bear the thought of feeling like that another day.

Luckily, this morning I woke up and I didn’t feel helplessness.  I just felt full of cold.  Having been through half a box of tissues this morning, I do feel like crap.  But on the plus side, I’ve been doing lots of things on my To Do list.  It seems like my body is only capable of feeling one way at a time.  But I’d pick a cold any day over the feeling of numbness that attacks when depression takes over.

I can’t help thinking that there is something about this time of year that makes me feel so down.  Seasonal Affective Disorder affects 7% of the population between September and April.  Light therapy, which is exposure to a very bright light for up to 4 hours a day, is known to benefit up to 85% of those with diagnosed cases*, and so I’m going to look into getting one.  Particularly the last few years, the start of November and the middle of February are particularly crucial times for me, when I feel at my most vulnerable.

People look at me like I’m joking when I say I want to move to somewhere the sun shines all the time.  I’m not joking, far from it.  For me the sun is medicinal – the world’s biggest light box, which will never run out of batteries or blow a fuse, as long as you’re in the right area to receive it.

I’m hoping I’ll get over this cold soon enough and I can continue to get on with all the important things I have to get done this week.  But for now, I hear my bed calling.

*Information from www.sada.org.uk – The Seasonal Affective Disorder Association’s website.

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