Musings on a Muddled Time

As you may have noticed from my blog posts recently, I’ve been having a bit of a turbulent time in the two weeks since I returned from the National Achievers’ Congress 2012.  Ironically, while I have achieved some very positive things during this time, such as my first grade of the year, my highest mark yet, I also seem to have received a lot of stress.  So why was I almost relieved last night to receive my period?  No, I hadn’t been worried about becoming pregnant.  Rather, I seemed to have lost a week somewhere; I wasn’t expecting my period until next week.  But to be able to put this primary massive tension down to actual pre-menstrual tension, seemed to make things ok.  Hoorah!  It wasn’t a complete break down, or melt down, or down down, but just one of those things that happen every month.  But since my period arrives every 3.5 weeks, and has done for the last 20 years, shouldn’t I be used to it by now?

Men should consider themselves lucky that they don’t have to put up with this crap every month.  I guess most women are affected by their periods; while I am quite lucky to avoid any physical pain (most of the time), my depression is most certainly exacerbated by the need to get the Tampax out every couple of weeks.

Men complain about having to shave every day.  At least they only have to shave one body part (I’m ignoring the guys who shave their chest…or their backs ewwww).

Anyway, I’m trying not to turn this into a man-bash-fest, because it’s not meant to be.  It’s more of a reflection on why I may have felt the way I’ve felt recently.

A GP once told me asked me whether it was circumstances that were making me feel depressed.  I answered yes, and he refused to give me antidepressants, because he told me that if it’s outside influences, they can be resolved.  Well that’s fine; but why the hell does everything seem to happen at once?  I could put some of what’s happened the last two weeks down to my period, but really, I can’t blame it for everything.

The worst stage I got to this week was knowing that I had to make a phone call – someone important, who I’d already emailed, and who was expecting my call.  But I laid on my bed, and I couldn’t face picking up my phone to call them.  Instead, I anguished over calling, and then the hours ticked away, and instead of doing something, I did nothing, and buried my head in my pillow and curled up into a ball, just like my cat, The Bish does, when he doesn’t want to be disturbed.

Later that night, my period arrived.  The next day, I made the phone call, no problem.

Life is strange.  I am considering this latest trouble, a mere blip, as I was getting along fabulously until recently.  But another thing to consider is that it is just this time of year.  It was this time last year when things started to go wrong for me, and to be honest I’m feeling like they could go similarly hellishly wrong.  But I refuse to let them.  I’ve been given a second chance to get my degree done, and I will finish it.  Then I’ll finally be able to move on from here, and the hell that starts with Halloween and doesn’t finish til after Valentine’s Day may finally be a time to give thanks for, rather than a time to hibernate and not come out until the Spring.

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