War and Piece(s of Me)

This last week has been rather an emotional rollercoaster for me, for various reasons.  Right now, my heart is fluttering nervously and I’m breathing deeply.  Tears are forming in my eyes, but not yet falling down my cheeks.  I know it will pass soon; like the heavy rain I encountered on the way back from the train station earlier today.

I had an e-barney with somebody today over text message (for those of you who don’t know, it means to have words with someone over an electronic means, such as text or e-mail). It had been brewing for a while, and I’m not surprised everything that I said came out, merely the length of time it took to come out.  During the period of the ‘debate’, I felt angry, in fact absolutely furious; an hour or so later I just felt sick and tearful, much as I feel now.  It’s taken it out of me; I have never been a fan of conflict and as a result it’s only in recent years when I’ve felt strong enough to duel with somebody about something that we don’t agree on.

I guess I have improved in recent years.  Mainly in the length of time it takes me to cry.  But at least I can storm out of a room with my head held high now, unlike before when I would have been blubbing before you could say “Do you want a Kleenex with that insult?”

Of course, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually argued with someone in the flesh.   It’s so much easier nowadays, in the technological age, to argue, to flirt; to tell the truth, to lie.

Some people have said to me that they couldn’t write a blog; they couldn’t tell all their personal thoughts and feelings to the world.  I can appreciate that, I mean I don’t tell you guys everything I think!  That would just be weird.  But I have always been one of those people who can talk to anybody about my problems.  In fact, I always joke that I could be stood at a bus stop and tell someone my life story (so be warned haha).  So when I’m not talking, that’s when you should be worrying.

Maybe today I just had to get off my chest something which had been kicking around inside me for a while.  The problem with holding in negative thoughts and feelings is that they start to eat away at you.  Do I feel better for saying it? Yes.  Do I think I may have been a bit harsh?  Yes.  Will I ever apologise?  Probably never.

This isn’t the only conflict I’ve had this last week.  As you will know, if you read my last blog, Friend or Foe, or Just No-No http://wp.me/p2ayN0-5Q , I spoke frankly about someone I had recently met and whose intentions I had apparently misread.  Less than two hours after publishing the blog, I received a text from this person telling me that to make the matter clear, they had removed me from their Facebook account, and that if I read into every single social interaction something that was not there, it was a bit bunny boilerish.  Finishing with the words ‘no offence’.  Well, firstly, I do take offence to being called a bunny boiler, especially by someone whose ‘compliments’ made me feel uncomfortable, increasingly so that I felt I did not want to be accused of leading him on in any way thus resulting in my rejection text.  The fact that he did not mention his girlfriend until after I had sent my thanks-but-no-thanks text is interesting, if only because had I known he had a girlfriend, I would have felt even more uncomfortable receiving such ‘compliments’ from him.  Plus did he not think the fact that his girlfriend is a writer would have been something I would like to have known, as an aspiring writer?  Anyway, I don’t enjoy conflict, and had no intention of protracting the issue so I deleted his messages and his name, although my techno-failure did not allow me to delete the number completely.  But his text ate away at me the rest of the day, if I’m honest.  Even though I had deleted it, it’s like the words had been branded onto my mind with a red-hot poker.  It’s not the first time I’ve been called a bunny boiler.  Although it hurts less so when I’m the one calling myself it.

So as you can see, this week has been particularly stressful for someone like me, who dislikes conflict so much.  I am lucky that I do not argue with my friends or family; I could not be one of those (such as my neighbours) for whom a slanging match is a part of daily life.  As for the people who I have been sparring with, I don’t expect to hear anything further from Mr “Alluring” and after a remaining issue is resolved, will have nothing further to do with the other one.  Life is too short to be surrounded by people who, quite plainly put, stress you out.  When I have to argue with someone, I get stressed out.

So I stagger from the battlefield, wounded but not dead.  I don’t look back, for to do so would show weakness.  I will treat my wounds, then do my best to forget these particular battle scars, and those who afflicted them upon me.  But maybe it is the wounds I feel forced to inflict on others that hurt me more; and that is the reason why I do not want to feel this way again.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. cjwilkens
    Oct 22, 2012 @ 21:23:16

    So, good job sticking up for yourself, but what is a bunny boiler?


    • 33andlostinlife
      Oct 22, 2012 @ 21:31:20

      The term comes from the 80s film Fatal Attraction, with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas. You’ll see from this clip where it comes from. In general nowadays it is used to describe any woman that has even a mild reaction to a guy’s less-than-noble behaviour. Author’s Note: No bunnies were boiled in the making of this blog.


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