The Calm After The Storm (Or I Can See Clearly Now The Rain Has Gone)

I’m feeling surprisingly calm, considering how I’ve felt the rest of the day.  Today has been a tornado of a day: I almost booked a flight to LA (departing tomorrow) I sent an email enquiring as to a new place for me and Harry to live and I have cried and cried and cried.

What I realise now, sitting in the garden, doing a word search in the May edition of Puzzler, is that you can try to make new starts all you can, but you must first put an end to all those loose ends.  For me, this includes getting divorced (finally) and…finishing my degree.  Today and yesterday have been a tidal wave of emotion as I have searched and searched for the answer to what I have been looking for.  I think I found the answer, although not the one I was looking for.  After all these years, trying to follow my dream, I have to ask myself, What Is My Dream?  I always thought it was going to America, but now I don’t know.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, if someone handed me a visa on a silver platter, I’d take it (Bradley Cooper, if you’re listening, take the hint!).  But even if I complete my degree, whether I can find work to get me to the States is quite another matter.  The problem is, while I was studying IN the US, I knew that I wanted to be a writer.  But that doesn’t necessarily require me to move there.  I could, in theory, be a writer anywhere, although,  let’s face it, the warmer, the better.

Since you can’t apply for a visa to be a writer in America, I would have to find some other way of getting there.  Obviously, writing does help.  But everyday I search my Twitter feed through the hundreds of other aspiring writers I follow, and I wonder, with all these people who already have books written, who are well on the way to publicizing their books and promoting themselves as authors, how can I ever hope to be a great writer if I struggle to even put pen to paper (metaphorically, of course in this technological age).

That is not to sound down on myself, more just, matter-of-fact.  One thing I do know is that I cannot stay in this city, my hometown of Lincoln.  I have always said I did not want to spend all my life here, but having spent 32.5 out of 34 years living here under the eyes of the great Cathedral on the hill, I realise I am getting nowhere fast.

It’s time to finish my degree.  I realise that.  I have to buckle down, get on with it, scrimp and save every penny I can while dejunking all my crap, so that when next year comes, I am free to take my degree and go…wherever the wind blows.  Harry, my cat, is a dear part of me, and I only hope that wherever I go, he can come too.  I always thought it was ridiculous those people who said they couldn’t ever move abroad because of their pets, but now I find myself in that exact situation.  Having unsuccessfully tried to re-home him during my study abroad, I worry about who will look after him if I am not here.  He’s not a diva, he’s just…high maintenance.  Like his mother.  Anyway, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, and until then, I’ll give him and his gorilla paws all the cuddles we both deserve.

So I had better get on.  I didn’t sleep well last night, the heat didn’t help, although that wasn’t the reason.  Plus I always feel exhausted when I’ve been crying for the best part of two days.  I have a couple of hours until my traditional bedtime, so I shall do some research for my dissertation, maybe stick an episode of The X-Files on at the same time.  Oh, and eat.  All the while knowing that this is the only way to move forward.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. tehkelsey
    Jul 31, 2012 @ 21:59:40

    Good luck with everything! I’m finding it difficult to get by not knowing where I’ll be living or what I’ll be doing in 6 months time. It’s absolutely maddening and I see why people take the easy way out and stay in their home town, but I think if Lincoln’s doing nothing for you then it’s definitely time to move!


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